The Insane Iliad
by balrogthane
Summary: Written at 2:00 a.m.-- our (my bro and me) version of what Homer SHOULD have written.


Disclaimer

Apparently, these things are important. So I'll just stick this at the front of every story I put out here: this story is not for money ! I am not going to get anything for it ! That should be obvious, seeing as it's here on , but if it isn't then this makes it clear.

All right, as to ownership-- I don't own any of the characters with Greek-sounding names, and I don't even own Ralph (he's being borrowed from my bro)-- just the weirdo-named ones. I do NOT own any characters mentioned in The Iliad, nor do I own The Iliad, nor do I own any rights to it! There.

Now you can read the story. :-)

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"Well men," Agamemnon declared, "we've been here for 5 years, besieging that city of Troy, and I for one am ready to go home... I've got a wide-screen TV and I just can't wait to get back to bein' a couch potato!"

"I'm ready to go too," Odysseus chimed in. "My brand-new plow is waiting for me-- a top-of-the-line John Deere model, barely used!"

"I just wanna get home so I can kill people," Achilles growled from the back of the tent.

"Um, Achilles," Menelaus spoke up, "that's what the point of fighting IS. That's why we're here."

"No, the point of fighting is to win!" Agamemnon bellowed, shaking two spears in his big hands.

"I'm leaving," Odysseus stated. "My hair's not looking too great." He walked back to his tent, found his gold-inlaid comb that had been gifted to him by the nymph-- well, by some nymph with an unpronounceable name-- and began attacking his helmet hair. However, as he was combing his hair, Arganon son of Blarzghat son of Aaaaaaargh saw him and bellowed at him.

"Hey! I've always wanted a comb like that and it makes me mad that you've got one and I DON'T!!"

"Yeah?" Odysseus snarled, in a foul temper because the fancy comb wasn't nearly stiff enough to deal with his unruly hair. "Well, you can have it!!" He hurled it at Arganon, and blood flowed. Arganon's blood. The comb entered into his jugular and the darkness came over his eyes.

Just then a woman appeared in the doorway: Athena. "Moron," she growled, and shoved Arganon's corpse forward, then strode into the room. However, she tripped on her long white dress and fell on her face. Odysseus snickered, and when she got back up she was very mad. She pulled out a sword and killed someone. "Well, I feel a bit better..." So she killed someone else.

"Hey!" Zeus appeared, looking very annoyed. "You're not supposed to be doin' that!"

Athena glared at him and went invisible.

"Huh? Where'd she-"

Just then a fist appeared out of nowhere and punched him in the side of his head. "Take THAT, Pop!" Zeus bellowed and grabbed her and they both disappeared.

Odysseus shrugged and went to get a bigger comb.

Later that night, there was a big storm in heaven.

After they had burned the bodies of the three dead men, the Greeks got together and made violent gestures at Troy and one another.

"We should attack!" Menelaus cried, shaking two spears in his big hands.

"Lose the spears," Agamemnon sighed. "They're getting boring. Anyway, who needs spears when you can have-" he reached behind his throne and grabbed a rocket launcher- "one of THESE babies?"

"Whoa." Ajax stared in stupid awe at the weapon. "Whazzat?"

"Watch me!" Agamemnon crowed, then pointed it at Troy and pulled the trigger.

It was just too bad he had it reversed. It was also a bummer that Patroclus was wandering around right behind Agamemnon.

Oh well...

Unbeknownst to the Greeks, Priam was getting ready to end the war. "Wewease the secwet weapon!" he cwied-- I mean, cried-- to the guards.

"Eh?"

"Er-- I said, Release the secret weapon!"

"Okie-dokie." Then approached Someone, son of Somebody, son of Person. He was slightly off his rocker.

"I am here, sire!" he announced, and saluted with the plunger he carried as a weapon. Priam gently took the plunger away.

"This is for you," he explained, pointing to the T-34 tank sitting in the courtyard.

"Wicked!" Someone exclaimed, forgetting all about his trusty plunger. "I get to MURDER some people!!"

"Yes, that's right," Priam coaxed. "Go on, into the nice tank now..."

Someone crowed with excitement and ran forward to leap into the tank. He shoved it into maximum gear and roared through the gates.

"THROUGH the gates?" Priam demanded, looking a bit horror-stricken.

"Yessir," a guard answered.

"Not through the gateway?"

"Nope!"

"So... the gates are matchsticks."

"Pretty much." The guard took a swig from his hip flask.

"Are you drinking on duty?" Priam demanded angrily.

"No, I'm drinking 7-Up," the guard replied. Priam sighed deeply and went back to bed.

"Wake me when they're all dead," he snapped, turning off the lights.

On the field of battle the Greeks were arrayed for combat, psyching each other up with stories of Trojan idiocy. But when the Trojans came forth to fight, it was not the army with Hector at its head-- it was a strange loud machine. In the driver's seat sat Someone, cackling with fairly maniacal glee.

"That's not Hector," said sharp-eyed Menelaus, after staring at the tank for a few minutes.

"Not unless he's gotten really fat," Agamemnon muttered.

The tank blasted off a round. The Greeks, not being quite the sharpest knives in the Mediterranean, stared at it, and so the ones who were in the way didn't think to dodge until it was too late.

"Hey," said So-and-So to Doover, "do you think we should move?"

BOOM. So-and-So's monologue was cut short, as So-and-So and Doover both found themselves in the Land of Not Aliveness, also known as Hades, Hel, Abaddon, Sheol... and lots of other stuff.

The Greeks, cottoning on that the T-34 was not a good thing, started running around madly, hoping that someone else would stop it. As usual, Odysseus (sigh) was left with the task. He glanced around at the pitiful soldiers and ran forward.

Meanwhile, Someone was investigating the effects of running very fast over Greeks. The Greeks didn't survive too well. Someone found this immensely amusing and spent a while driving over Greek soldiers before Odysseus caught up to him. The Ithacan leaped onto the T-34, clawed his way to the hatch while the tank bounced and swayed, and wrenched it open.

"Christmas is coming!" he squawked into the opening. "Here's your present!!" He hurled an armed grenade into the tank.

"But it's only December 21," Someone replied in confusion. Odysseus leapt off, ran a safe distance away, and-

Ka-BLOOEY! The tank's hatch popped off like a cork from an overactive bottle of champagne, and flames blasted out. Odysseus rubbed his hands together. "A jorb well done!" he proclaimed. Then the hatch landed on his head and knocked him out.

"Odysseus!!" Athena wasn't keen on his unconscious state and teleported herself to his side. "Uhoh..."

"Odysseus!" a snide male voice imitated. She looked up, glaring, to see Ares snickering at her. "Honestly, sister, anyone would think you liked him..."

"Shut UP," Athena snarled, drawing her sword.

"Hey, you might hurt someone with that!" Ares cautioned, eyes wide.

"Precisely," Athena growled, advancing. "Plus, Someone's already dead." Ares turned to run, and she chopped his arm off.

"OWWW!- hey wait," Ares exclaimed, looking at the arm lying next to him. He grabbed it and began banging Greeks on the heads. They died.

Athena, meanwhile, got bored with tormenting her bro and started chopping left and right. Diomedes was unfortunate enough to be close. "Excuse me, have you seen-" Chop.

"Oh dear," said Athena, watching his head sail through the air, "I think I liked him..." The head slammed into Haiss T. Folk's head. Haiss collapsed and the darkness came over his eyes. "Well, I can fix that." Athena brought Diomedes back to life.

"Head, please?" he asked.

"So sorry, just a mistake," Athena apologized, handing him his head.

"No harm done," he replied, and reattached it.

"That's not right!" Zeus proclaimed from Olympus, and chucked a lightning bolt down. It connected with Athena's head.

"Yeowch!" she howled, then fell unconscious. Ares took the opportunity to draw a moustache on her face with some handy makeup from his purse.

Hector had been trying to lead his men out through the open gates for some time now, but was having slight difficulties, since there were no longer any gates to open. Finally, someone pointed out that he could just walk through the empty hole, and although that didn't sound or look nearly so cool, Hector acquiesced and the Trojan army marched forth. Priam watched from the walls, wishing there was some way to help.

"Hey, wait," he muttered. "There is something I can do..." He rummaged around in his Colossal Closet until he found it: an atom bomb. He armed it and ran back out to the walls. He cocked his arm, aimed the bomb at the Greek army, and-

"Atom bomb!" yelled a voice.

"Huh?" Priam looked over in shock to see Ralph (of War or Something Like It fame) standing there, looking 2D.

"Atom bomb!" repeated the figure, then grabbed Priam's bomb.

"Hey wait, that's-" But it was too late. Ralph disappeared. "," Priam growled, earning the story a PG rating.

Hector and his forces carved their way through the Greeks to the ruined T-34. "We may yet salvage it!" the prince cried, then ordered several of his more whacked soldiers into it. They scrambled in, then came back out a few minutes later. "Well?"

"Nothing works in there but the wide-screen TV," one of them reported.

"The wha...?"

"Yeah, weird," the soldier admitted. "But there's one in there..."

"A wide-screen TV?" hollered a voice. The Trojans at the back of the group went flying as someone charged forward. "Lemme at it!!" A figure ran past Hector, who was too dumbstruck to do anything anyway, and leapt into the tank.

It was, of course, Agamemnon. "Ooh, I've always wanted one of these!" he sighed, settling down in front of it. He switched it on. Nothing showed but snow. "WHAT?!" he bellowed, then threw his axe into the center of the screen. It shattered. "I am such an idiot," he moaned, then sadly retrieved his axe and left the tank.

"What was that?" Hector inquired.

"I busted the TV," Agamemnon answered morosely.

"That was brilliant," Hector observed.

"Shaddup," Agamemnon growled, feeling his axe's edge.

"Hey," said a Trojan, peering at the Greek king, "aren't you Aga-whatsis?"

"Er," Agamemnon answered. Suddenly he felt ill at ease.

"Yeah, I think he is," Hector replied grimly. "Men, take him prisoner!"

"No no no no no!!!" hollered a voice. The Trojans at the back of the group, who had only just recovered from being sent flying, once again found themselves airborne. It was Achilles, running to the rescue of his king.

Or not. "Hey Hector, dude, I like totally just kicked your record's tail for awesome killing moves! I like slaughtered these 18 guys in like 2 seconds, it was like wicked sweet man. Too bad they were Greeks," he mused, looking momentarily pensive. "...Oh well. You win some, you lose some, eh man?"

"Aw, crap!" Hector exclaimed, after counting on his fingers. "You beat my record by 6!"

"Well, may the best man win," Achilles proclaimed, then ran back off.

"You aren't planning to save me?" Agamemnon hollered after him.

"I reckon not," Hector drawled.

"," Agamemnon said. With feeling.

Achilles felt good. He was back doing what he did best-- murderin' people. Having figured out that the Greeks were here and the Trojans were there, he went there and killed a bunch of them. So many, in fact, that Priam started getting annoyed.

"Where's my other son?" he demanded suddenly. Hecuba looked up.

"Do you mean Aeneas?"

"No."

"Chuglag?"

"No..."

"Barishnar?"

"I don't have a son named Barishnar."

"Well, it sounded good. I really don't know who you're talking about anyway."

"You know, the French-ey one."

"Ah." Hecuba aimed her needle carefully and spiked her embroidery with it. "Paris?"

"Yeah, him!"

"I think he and that nice girl are up on the walls, watching the fight."

"Heckling again?" Priam snarled.

"I believe so."

"Well, I'll go see about THAT."

"That's wonderful," Hecuba muttered. "Now let me get this blood droplet finished..."

Priam stalked off to the walls, where Paris and Helen were pointing and laughing at the armies far below.

"That man died," said Paris, who was not very inventive.

"His nose is too big," commented Helen, who was only slightly more imaginative than Paris.

"He died too." Paris snickered.

"That's enough! You morons!" Priam bellowed, appearing behind them. Paris turned around slowly.

"Now I know you're not talking about me. I'm waaay smarter than you. You got 12,000 - 1 wrong!"

"And you got 1 1 wrong," Priam growled back.

"Well, either way, you're old and I'm not." Paris turned back to the battle. "Geezer."

Achilles was fighting just below. Suddenly, he was distracted by a shriek, and someone came flying over the wall and smacked into the ground.

"Lord Paris?" a Trojan wondered.

It was indeed Paris. Helen followed a moment later, with an only slightly less feminine shriek. She landed right smack on Achilles.

"Well, hello," she said, somewhat pleased to have found such an attractive fellow as Brad Pitt. But she frowned-- he wasn't wearing a shirt! "Why don't you put your shirt back on," she pouted, "and tell some jokes?"

Achilles lopped off her head and went back to killin' Trojans.

Priam looked down at the dead bodies of Paris and Helen-- in her case, the parts of the dead body. "You know, I might have tried to aim..." he mused. A few minutes later the Greeks found themselves on the receiving end of a number of airborne livestock, starting with a distraught cow.

"Aaaah!"-SPLAT cried the unlucky Greek valet who was standing in the landing zone. He fell and the darkness came over his eyes. A goat, a duck, three chickens, and a small white rabbit followed the cow. The rabbit had special consequences.

"Ooh, a bunny!" a Greek soldier exclaimed, looking at the rabbit. The rabbit bared 2-inch-long fangs and leapt for the Greek's throat; a moment later, with a spurt of Cool-Aid colored blood, his head went flying.

"Killer bunny!" another Greek screamed. In a moment the Greek camp was chaos, as the rabbit leapt onto soldiers, ripping right through their toughened leather armor and steel shields to gut them and leave the corpses strewn across the battlefield.

Odysseus, finally waking up, saw the monstrosity leaping about. He sighed again (why it always ME?) and headed for it. The rabbit leapt at him like a minuscule rocket; deftly, he caught it right around the neck.

"That's-- not very nice," he admonished, then squeezed the rabbit's head off.

"Nothing is going right," Priam lamented, staring at the botched rabbit attempt. "Why doesn't someone just shoot me in the head?"

Zeus, who was really getting bored with the show after 5 years, complied with a lightning bolt. Priam went down in a heap. The Lord of the Gods glanced around the battlefield.

"Hmmm... honey, what's the Trojan War's rating right now?"

"I think it's TV-13, why?" Hera replied from the bathroom where she was getting made up.

"No, I mean, how well is it liked?"

Hera strolled into the living room. "Oh. Well, I think it's getting a 2.3, last I checked. Although Ares and Athena really like it, you know; they probably account for practically the whole audience-"

"Well, I'm gonna cancel it." Zeus pulled an atom bomb out of the cabinet and armed it.

"Hmm. Just be ready as soon as possible. Aphrodite's party's in 15 minutes."

"I can be ready in 2 minutes!" Zeus protested.

"You haven't even had your bath yet," Hera observed dryly, then walked back into the bathroom.

"I'm great, I'll be perfectly on time!" Zeus glared after her, then hurled the bomb down. It annihilated everyone.

THE END

P.S. Zeus was late.

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A/N: This was written down at about 2:00 a.m., in one go. My younger bro told a story and I thought it was HILARIOUS. So I wrote it down, with some cough embellishments... shifty eyes It's crazy and pretty stupid, I know, but IMHO also pretty funny. 

Also, there are several jokes in there that most people won't have gotten, and at least one joke that only really makes sense to my family, but I didn't feel like editing them out. Sorry. :P 


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